


use me for rocketfuel

by kathillards



Series: diamonds in the sky [1]
Category: Kamen Rider Gaim
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 09:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11205411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathillards/pseuds/kathillards
Summary: Mai uses the golden fruit to save both Kaito and Kouta, with unforeseen consequences.





	use me for rocketfuel

The first time she has one of Kaito’s nightmares, she wakes up screaming.

Kouta is nearby, clambering over the empty sleeping bags scattered on the floor of the garage to get to her. His hands are burning when they touch her; she screams again and pushes him off. Her whole body feels like it’s on fire, like there are roots growing inside her skin and sinking deep into her bones, twisting and tugging and unraveling her from the inside out.

_How can he live like this?_

_Are you okay?_ Kouta hesitates when he touches her this time. Mai wraps her arms around herself and tries to block out the memories, lets Kouta pull her against his body and hold her there until her tears have dried.

 _Where is he?_ she asks him, and when he doesn’t answer, she draws herself up. _Kouta, tell me where he is._

He opens his mouth, then closes it. The answer floats into her mind: _By the shrine_. Mai shoves him off, springs to her feet, and starts running.

Halfway out the door, she realizes that neither one of them had said a word out loud.

.

Kaito doesn’t seem surprised to see her there. She’s freezing cold by the time she gets to him, shivering hard in only her t-shirt and tights, her shoes and jacket still somewhere in the garage. She wonders if Kouta’s coming after her. She wonders if she cares.

“You’re going to catch a cold,” Kaito says with that old, practiced demeanor of disdain. He tilts his head sideways so he can look back at her, his whole being still focused on the tree in front of him. The sound of his voice is so startling, she almost giggles.

But the nightmare pounds into her head again and she forgets how to laugh.

“Was that you?” she asks, folding her arms across her chest for warmth, her voice very small in the emptiness of the night around them. “That dream – Helheim pulling me apart – that was you, wasn’t it? Turning into an Overlord?”

Kaito looks away sharply. “That was a memory, yes,” he says. “How it became your nightmare…”

“You felt it, too?” she asks. He doesn’t answer, so she narrows her eyes and tries again. _You can’t hide the truth from me, Kaito. Not anymore._

 _Don’t,_ he warns, and his voice sounds wild even in her head. _You have no idea what you did – what you’ve done to us. He said there would be consequences –_

_If the consequences are that you have someone to share your pain –_

“I don’t want you to share my pain!”

His voice isn’t loud, but she can feel his panic, rising in her chest. His shoulders draw up, tense, his breaths coming heavy. When he speaks again, his voice is so close to a whisper, he may as well have not spoken aloud at all.

“I don’t want you to suffer the things I went through, Mai.” He turns around, the look on his face so wrecked, she almost can’t bear it. “You don’t need my nightmares. Just stay away from me.”

“You know I can’t do that,” she says softly. “What we went through…”

“It’s over now,” Kaito interrupts, bowing his head. “It’s all over.”

And, she supposes, standing there in the cold, that it really is.

.

Ending it was the easy part. Mai doesn’t know how she can survive the aftermath.

 _Is this normal?_ Kouta asks her, the two of them sitting on a bench watching their friends practice dance moves. _Hearing each other like this… is this because of the fruit?_

 _I don’t know_. Mai drops her head onto his shoulder and takes a deep breath. The smell of fruits lingers in the air even still, even after all the vines have disappeared and the city belongs to them again. _The fruit is gone. I guess this is what we’re left with._

There’s a long, thoughtful pause, and then Kouta asks, _Do you regret it?_

She frowns. _Saving you? Never._

 _Saving us both_ , he amends. _Using the fruit for us. You destroyed Helheim’s rules. You destroyed Helheim itself. And all for us… was it worth it?_

 _If Helheim didn’t want me to save you_ , Mai thinks fiercely, _it shouldn’t have given me the fruit._

Kouta doesn’t have a response to that.

.

_HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME_

Mai collapses on the stage.

The audience gasps in confusion, in concern. Zack’s arms are around her in an instant, helping her to her feet. He practically has to carry her off the stage, setting her down on the closest bench and kneeling over her, pressing one hand to her forehead to see what’s wrong.

 _Help me_ , she begs, and realizes half a second too late that he can’t hear her. Her voice won’t work. She is so, so afraid – and she doesn’t know why.

“Mai!” Kouta’s voice shoots straight through her heart. She opens her eyes briefly and sees him running for her, sees Zack turning his head to watch him, sees the crowd still gazing at her, whispering, wondering.

_HELP ME_

“What happened?” Kouta demands, sinking down next to Zack. “Where’s – where’s Kaito?”

“I haven’t seen him,” Zack says. “She just fell down. Do you think she has a fever?”

Kouta touches her forehead. His hands are so warm. She is so scared.

“Find Kaito,” he orders. “Find him quickly.” _It’s gonna be okay, Mai. It’s gonna be –_

.

_Hey._

Mai opens her eyes again and this time, finds that they stay open. Kaito is looking down at her, running a hand through her hair. His hand is shaking. She’s on a bed somewhere, and it’s soft beneath her. She cannot remember ever being afraid.

_Kaito…_

_It’s okay,_ he promises, drawing his hand down her cheek and pressing it there till it stops trembling. _I’m here._

“What happened?” Her voice sounds weak to her own ears. “I was dancing – and then – ”

“It was a nightmare.” Kaito clears his throat. “My nightmare.”

Mai lifts one hand gingerly and curls it around his. “What were you dreaming about?” she asks softly. Kaito’s gaze drops away from her; for a moment, she thinks he might not answer at all. She can still feel the tremors going through his body, the fear and the panic. Maybe some of it is her own.

“The cut,” he says finally, still not looking at her. “The one that marked me as Helheim’s, before I transformed into an Overlord. It was – it hurt so much. I couldn’t bear it. I told myself to be strong and…”

 _You needed our help_ , she realizes. _And when we didn’t notice… you ate the fruit_.

 _I ate the fruit to become stronger!_ Kaito’s hand is shaking again; Mai presses it closer to her cheek and leans in. _I had to – I had to be stronger. What difference would your help have made? I was always meant to eat the fruit. To fight Kazuraba. To –_

 _To what?_ Mai demands, and he goes silent. _To fight and die? Is that what you wanted? Should I have let you die?_

_Maybe._

“Shut up,” she says out loud. He blinks at her in surprise. “I wasn’t going to let you die. That was never an option. All this time, and you still don’t know…” _You still don’t know how important you are to me._

_It’s because of me that this is happening to you!_

_I don’t care!_ Mai lifts her free hand and cups his cheek. _I’ll suffer your nightmares if I have to. It’s a small price to pay for freeing you of Helheim. For bringing you back to us._

“You…” Kaito seems to have run out of words. His breathing goes ragged as she pulls him, leaning his forehead on hers. “I don’t know how to make the nightmares stop, Mai.”

He looks so broken. Her heart aches.

 _We’ll figure it out together_ , she promises. _Just don’t give up on yourself._

.

 _So, this is what he meant_ , Kouta muses. _The consequences of your decision._

Mai hangs up another string of fairy lights. The garage is almost starting to look like home again. _We’re all connected. Do you feel his nightmares, too?_

“No,” Kouta says out loud, and when she turns to look at him, his smile is sad. “But I feel yours.”

“What are mine?” she asks, brow furrowing.

Kouta draws closer to her and slides a hand down the side of her face, almost wistfully. “It’s always the same thing. The two of us, fighting. Me and him. Sometimes, I kill him, and sometimes, he kills me. But those are the only ways it ends. The only way it was supposed to end.”

Mai turns away from him. “I couldn’t let that happen.” _What would I do without you? What would you do without him?_

 _You were a goddess,_ Kouta says softly. _You could have done anything._

_Not without you._

.

She doesn’t ask what kind of conversations they have together. Sometimes, she’ll sit with the rest of the team in the garage and watch the two of them on the other side, talking without words, emotions flickering by on their faces.

Other times, she’ll catch glimpses of their thoughts without meaning to, their feelings bubbling inside her as if they were her own –

_We weren’t both meant to survive._

_But we did anyway. It’s because of her._

_With the golden fruit gone, everything we did was meaningless._

_That’s not true. We destroyed Helheim. That’s something._

_She destroyed Helheim. All we did was watch._

.

When Kaito kisses her, she’s just a little, selfishly, glad that Kouta isn’t there.

She’s in the Baron hangout again, leaving the rest of her team to take a break back in Gaim’s garage. Almost no one comes to Baron anymore, except Zack and Peco. Except Kaito, who haunts the rooms like a vengeful ghost. They come to talk to him. She comes to make sure he’s still there.

“Is it ever going to go away?” he asks her, watching as she sits on the table and swings her legs. His gaze is unusually hot today, so focused on her. She doesn’t remember her dream from last night but she knows it hadn’t been a nightmare. She knows, too, that it had been his, and warm, and pleasant, and about her.

 _You don’t like having us this close?_ Mai smiles at him, teasing. Kaito scoffs and looks away. Out loud, she says, “We can turn it off. Block each other out. I tried, with Kouta.”

“Did you?” Kaito raises his eyebrows. “What for?”

 _He was talking to Takatora Kureshima._ If possible, Kaito’s eyebrows get even higher. _About Micchy, I guess. I didn’t want to spy. He gets so weird around him. It’s almost like –_

 _Right,_ Kaito interrupts hastily. “The less I know about Kazuraba’s love life, the better.”

Mai laughs, the first real, full laugh she’s had in the days since the battle ended. When she stops, there’s a ghost of a smile on Kaito’s face, and he’s closer than he had been. He doesn’t reach for her, though. She can feel him hesitating as he stands there.

 _I’m sure he thinks the same of yours_ , she says. _I’m sorry I didn’t realize saving your lives would be so inconvenient to you both._

Kaito snorts. “I wouldn’t call it inconvenient,” he mutters. “Just… annoying, sometimes.”

“And other times?”

 _Other times…_ Kaito’s eyes are going dark. _It’s better than I’d expected._

These are the moments, she knows, the ones that are better than expected, when he can feel every emotion sizzling through her, the desire bubbling in her stomach. He’s never acted on them until now, though, too scared to touch her, afraid that she will break under the weight of his sins and his nightmares.

But she’s stronger than that, and he knows it. When he cradles her face in his hands, she lets out a breath she thinks she’s been holding in since the battle. The first kiss is soft, cautious. Exploring. Mai feels the warmth of him straight down her spine, like one of his nightmares that has been twisted out and unraveled into light.

 _I thought_ … Kaito trails off, swallowing as he pulls back. _When you didn’t choose me for the fruit, I thought it meant… you didn’t want me._

 _I didn’t choose anyone_ , she reminds him, curling her fingers into the collar of his shirt. _I chose you both. It was an awful choice to make, letting one of you die. An awful choice by an awful god. If I’d chosen either you or him, it would have only ended in destruction._

“Yes, but,” Kaito pauses, licks his lips. “You were never going to choose me, not as an Overlord.”

“No,” she agrees softly. “Not as an Overlord. I wanted _you_ back.”

 _You have me now_. He kisses her again. _Is it worth it?_

_It always was._

.

Kouta doesn’t ask what happened when she comes back to the Gaim garage, although she knows he knows – it’s impossible not to tell from her thoughts, her feelings, the too-fast thump of her heart in her chest.

He only looks at her for a minute and then says, _If he hurts you –_

 _He won’t_. Mai sits down next to him and lays her head on his shoulder. _You know he won’t._

Beneath her, his shoulders relax. _I know he won’t. I always thought you’d choose him._

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs.

_Don’t be. I never needed the fruit. Not the way he needed you._

.

His nightmares still come to her, but now she wakes up in his arms and presses her hand to his chest and his breathing eases. So does hers. She dreams of Helheim and the battle that could have been and becoming a monster, but she dreams of better things, too – of light breaking over Zawame and the shrine at the tree overflowing with gifts and the dancers on center stage in the middle of the park.

 _It’s over_ , she tells him, a soft echo of his words from so many weeks ago. _It’s all over._

 _Yes,_ Kaito agrees, his hand warm as he strokes it down her cheek. _It’s over._

And now, finally, they can begin again.


End file.
